Loyalty

loyalty

the topic this week in the GBE2 is about loyalty... I started pondering the word loyalty and it made me reflect on a recent experience where i was accused of being disloyal to someone. I was extremely hurt and saddened when i was accused of it.. i wont get into the whole details but basically i was blasted for not telling someone about something i knew...a new twist on 'don't kill the messenger' .... but I was hurt and I dwelled on it for a while. And while i was beating my self up about it i started to think of someone else i had not been loyal to...and that someone was ME. I had been guilty of the worse offenses against loyalty to myself but surprisingly i didn't spend days dwelling on that. I, instead, acted like it never happened and went on with my daily life...continually being disloyal to myself and never acknowledging it .It was amazing to me that while I was silently being loyal to friends and keeping their secrets, I, on the other hand, was readily willing to spill my secrets, confide them in the wrong people; people who spread them, mocked them, abused them and used them to abuse me. Why was i willing to protect others secrets while I wasn't willing show myself the same loyalty. Everyone would come to me with their secrets because I would not judge them or bash them or shame them , instead I would offer them advice or comfort or shelter. But for myself,at the drop of a hat, I was ready to betray myself..bash myself..ignore mysel..deny myself and abuse myself. I guess I never really learned to be loyal to myself. My search for loyalty has been long but it has always been an outward search for loyalty...searches for loyal customers or loyal friends or loyal lovers but I never had any interest in search for loyalty within myself. Usually at the first sign of trouble my mind would run, leaving my body and soul and heart to take the brunt of everything. I was NEVER loyal to the little girl inside me who needed to get things out, to get over things, to heal from things and needed protection from things. Instead I would continuously turn my back on her and tell her i would deal with her when I was ready or had time to deal with her. But all the time I knew that I DIDN'T want to listen to what she had to say...I was not loyal to her..I rather be loyal to the people who hurt her or betrayed her, allowing them to continually perpetuate their abuses on her, causing her to relieve her pain over and over with out anyone to protect or comfort her. I know i cant ignore her forever especially because she does not sit quietly all the time..most time she lashes out and that manifests it self in vicious nightmares or in stomach problems i have or the headaches that feel like jackhammers in my brain... I know I need to be more loyal to myself...I know its not a easy task since I have have been so disloyal to her all these years. But why should i offer loyalty to random people and not to myself. As Napoleaon Hill once said :“Lack of loyalty is one of the major causes of failure in every walk of life” ....I believe that...and starting today I will be more loyal to myself and to that girl inside me !